In what has become something of a yearly tradition/catharsis, I present . . .

32 Thoughts for the Last Day of My 32nd Year

1. 32 was a nerve-wracking, insecure, volatile age.

2. I'm slowly realizing that I'm repeating a variation of that statement every year.

3. This year will mark the fourth (12/27/09) that I've spent not chained to cigarettes. I never, ever expected to be this successful at quitting. Ever.

4. This is the first year that I'm able to honestly say that I am not an administrative assistant (goddamnit). Despite the fact that I still perform a plethora of administrative tasks, I am not an administrative assistant (goddamnit again).

5. I have business cards now and I feel extremely foolish and apologetic when I give one to a visitor.

6. My love affair with my BlackBerry is still going strong. In fact, I honestly can't imagine attempting to navigate everyday life without it.

7. I know that I should (?) cancel my BlackBerry's Internet service but I can't bring myself to do it. See #6.

8. I continue to be surprised that the insanity and dysfunction at work still haven't convinced me to initiate a job search. It tests the limits of just how much I'm willing to put up with before I consider bailing on a situation (see My Marriage).

9. I continued to spread my wings in the kitchen this year, trying out dishes that I'd never even considered attempting before.

10. February's move forced me to confront my fear of change head-on. For the most part, the process was positive, but there were definitely some bumps in the road that were extremely hard to navigate.

11. Just as I have to admit that I fear change, I also must admit that I deal with problems very well. Take the good with the bad, right?

12. I handled Moron's -for lack of a better word- bullshit more effectively and efficiently this year than in any other year. A huge part of that was learning how to get comfortable with a very simple two-letter word: NO. I repeat: NO.

13. I made two honest attempts at losing weight this year. Although they both fell by the wayside, I can comfort myself with the fact that I tried harder than I ever have.

14. I hope beyond hope that a true commitment to losing weight will arrive in the same manner quitting smoking and driving again did: via a huge bolt of emotional lightning that struck when I least expected it to and galvanized me into mindless action.

15. Part of me dreads E growing up but I gamely cheer along with every milestone as if it thrills me. Just like 98% of other moms.

16. I can count on one hand the number of people at work whom I can stomach talking with for more than five consecutive minutes. Those five people are the only true human beings employed there.

17. I've worked among unmitigated assholes for so long that I don't even remember what it's like to spend a full work day with decent, friendly, fun-loving people. Although I can't pinpoint the era, I can tell you that BlackBerrys weren't invented yet and my car didn't exist. Nor did E, for that matter.

18. I've grown even closer this year to genuinely needing glasses, at least for reading and driving. The pig-headed doofus in me refuses to allow me to make an appointment with an opthamologist.

19. Sometimes I can't believe that I've invited Trader Joe's into my very slim inner circle of acceptable grocery shopping establishments. I used to lump them in with Whole Foods and MOM's in terms of price, but they're actually quite afforable and their ads and newletters are totally charming. TJ's fan for life, baby!

20. The scariest moment of the year went down back in July when the dump truck backed over the front of my car. It kept coming closer and closer and closer to the windshield until I just started screaming with raw abandon. Then the truck stopped and so did I . . . eventually.

21. I would like to get closer to a full understanding of my religious beliefs this year. I haven't the faintest clue how to go about doing that but I'm open to suggestions.

22. I would love to start meditating this year as a method of dealing with the many and varied annoyances of the star of question #12. Luckily, I know exactly who to go to for instructions.

23. For the 32nd year in a row, I still can't stand perky people. It might be time to give up on that changing.

24. The memory of being almost destitute and carrying dead weight (Moron, of course) in the late 1990's and early 2000's has stuck with me over time, preventing me from letting go of my rather miserly ways. I plan to at least make an attempt to release that this year.

25. One of the greatest pleasures of my 32nd year has been the process of getting to know N again. Who knew that two people whose friendship was basically destroyed when they were kids could pretty much pick up where they left off as adults? I can't recall a time when I haven't had her support and I can only hope that I provide the same to her.

26. It's becoming increasingly hard to maintain my interest in most TV shows as I get older. I don't necessarily see that as a bad thing.

27. Twitter hit me like a ton of bricks. I know this makes me sound like a 12-year-old, but I've grown to depend on the catharsis of getting it out.

28. I have absolutely no interest in signing up for a Facebook account during my 33rd year despite the fact that an average of three people per week ask me when I'm going to.

29. With each passing year, I prepare less and less packaged food at home. I suspect that I'm becoming a whole foods girl but I refuse to pay the Whole Foods (or "Whole Paycheck") prices.

30. I will enter my 16th year of avid coffee-drinking tomorrow. I'm not sure why that's so note-worthy, but it feels like it is.

31. I reached my ten-year anniversary of employment at My Workplace this month. The fact that I've spent (wasted?) an entire decade of my life at that godforsaken place hasn't quite sunk in. I'm not looking forward to the day it finally does.

32. If E grows up to see the good in just about anyone, tactfully tell the truth even when it hurts and treat the special people in her life with a special brand of kindness, then all of the drama will have been worth it. Every single bit.

I think I'm 33 now.

E with her sparkly report card.
Don't you hate those obnoxious moms who think every little thing their precious spawn does it just fantastic? Me, too. In this case, however, I must sing E's praises for her first report card at the new school. She brought home a shiny row of A's today, further cementing the fact that I made the right decision in getting the hell out of Former County. Things aren't perfect (her impulse control needs a little work), but they're as good as I could ever hope for.

E: Queen of Report Cards, at least for this semester.

Yeah, kind of like that.
My feet, legs, calves, knees, ankles and hips all want me dead right now for what I put them through this morning. The wellness walk (also known as the "turkey walk" among the kids) at E's school was rescheduled for today and God bless my dutiful (read: foolish) mother's heart, I chaperoned. In this case, all chaperoning meant was to watch the kids along the trail and make sure no one killed anyone (close, but no) or strayed from the path (all good there, too).

The chipper, green sign-up form from the school didn't mention anything about the walk being nearly three miles long along dirt trails and over rickety bridges. Imagine my surprise when we logged our first mile and didn't turn back to the school. I know, I know; I should be grateful for the chance to get out there and exercise amid the joyful sounds of children and the majesty of Mother Nature, but . . . yeah. I sweated through my shirt right around mile one and considered faking a stroke at mile two in the hopes of being airlifted back to the school. Only two other mothers signed up to chaperone; the rest were men. They and their $25 Starbucks travel mugs turned back to the school when we hit mile one ("I didn't know it would be this long, Susan!"). I was beyond tempted to follow them but I equated that with punking out. E was really happy that I was there and spent most of the walk glancing behind her to beam at me, so I kept trudging along, trying to convince myself that I would eventually make it out of those godforsaken woods on my own two feet and not carried on a stretcher. Every chirping bird was an assault, every golden leaf an insult, but I finished that goddamn walk, goddamn it.

This being American Education Week, I also had the opportunity to observe E in her classroom for the morning. I witnessed a good two hours of instruction and was pleased as usual, and not just because her teacher is a great big hunk of sexy (although that certainly helped). E met with him to go over a rough draft of a paper on West Germany (old books!) and was given some really good constructive criticism. She was very eager to show me how well she behaves in classes now. I can't count the number of times she turned around in her chair to peek at me and make sure that I was noting how quiet she was being. I must admit that all those years of haranguing and hand-wringing helped. Not getting smug yet, though.

Totally unexpected awesome moment of the day: E introduced me to a friend of hers and started to tell us both about how one of her classmates up ahead on the trail had made fun of her for supposedly making "kissy lips" at a boy named Christopher. She was all up in arms about how it wasn't true and she doesn't even think he's cute anyway and why did the girls even say that?? I put my hand on her shoulder, biting the insides of cheeks to keep from laughing, and told her for what had to be the 3,826th time that it doesn't matter what other people say and to laugh it off since getting all upset would only draw more focus to something that isn't even true. She nodded, turned to her friend and whispered, "My mom is really wise." Oh my. Another little moment to add to the Internal Validation Jar. Every mother has one, whether she chooses to admit it or not.

I can't believe how negligent I've been in updating lately. I can recall the days when I couldn't wait to vomit out all of the week's mundane details, imagined slights and hollow victories. The fact that I had absolutely nothing to do at work and barely any supervision certainly made it easier. I think we have Twitter to thank for my absence. There's something about being able to purge my thoughts in 140 characters (while on-the-go, no less) that appeals to me quite a lot. Some might argue that it's one massive waste of time (my brother, father, bosses, etc.), but I disagree. I'm the kind of person who simply cannot keep problems bottled up and remain sane. They start to eat at me and it affects me really negatively. Since I can't keep my mom, N, MJ and K locked in the closet at my disposal, I've found that it helps to tweet it out. Work, in particular, has been driving me crazy lately, and Twitter has been a huge help in releasing some of the tension that builds up during the day. Let's just hop onto the segue bus right here, shall we?

Work. It's been obvious for the entire seven years that I've been in this office that My Workplace is not exactly the healthiest, most productive place to be employed. 85% of my coworkers are total assholes, the management staff is clueless beyond belief, and most of the policies and procedures are weak at best. The only (repeat: only) reason that I've remained here as long as I have is safety. I have a strong union behind me, the president of which I'm friends with, and the health benefits are out of this world. I have 100% autonomy and an exceedingly comfortable, private workspace. Free coffee and water (for now), all the office supplies I can stuff into a shopping bag, and no one looking over my shoulder (again, for now). In short, freedom. I started out here with a folding chair with a few battered notepads, in a building that didn't even have running water on my floor. I took daily two-hour naps on the former department head's office couch after she was canned. The changes since those days have been vast, but with those changes have come people who think they're better than you, me, those guys over there, and all of their colleagues. I don't deal well with snobs; never have. If you can't communicate with others without giving the impression that you think your shit doesn't stink (Moron? Is that you?), then please go elsewhere. Unfortunately, I'm increasingly surrounded by them.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy a certain amount of drama. Nothing truly harmful, just a little bit of . . . you know. I don't like to be involved in it, though. There's certainly plenty of it to go around at the moment. K and S (formerly "New Girl") are still at each other's throats, although much more quietly now. Legal action is all but imminent and every day is like a soap opera. S has become a persona non grata and K is basically living in a constant state of abject, quaking, reeking-of-cigarettes fear. Honestly, I can't say that I blame him. The man has plenty to be nervous about. I've never seen someone shoot himself in the foot as foolishly and unnecessarily as he did this week. It's shocking that the leader of this department has such horrifically bad judgement when it comes to his own future employment. Given the things that have gone on here in the last two years, I guess it shouldn't surprise me.

I've been placed in the unfortunate position of go-between. They're both telling me insanely confidential things in fervent whispers, following up each new nugget with a reminder that I "can't tell anyone!" While I must admit that the position of secret-keeper is somewhat of a thrilling one for me going back to playground days, I'd rather they both just handle their business privately and leave me completely out of it. I cannot adequately express how much I loathe being asked if he/she said something about the other one. How many times can I awkwardly shrug my shoulders and gaze off into the distance for them to realize that I don't want to be drawn in? The entire thing scares the crap out of me and forces me to feel like I have to assume even more of a death grip on my own job, much less stick my neck out to protect theirs. N and I crafted the following response, to be brought out in the event that I'm summoned to the VP's office for questioning:

"Anything that may or may not have happened between K and S must have occurred while they were behind closed doors, because I'm not aware of anything. I'm sorry I couldn't be more helpful."
Period. I need my job and E needs to eat, so . . . yeah.

Yo, cheeseburger and fries, I'm really happy for you. I'ma let you finish, but vegetables are the healthiest foods of all time! The healthiest foods of all time!!
I got a chance to exercise my sub-par Photoshopping skills to illustrate my fledging new mindset. The potential of the Slim Fast plan has truly surprised me today. I discovered this morning that I've lost a whopping seven pounds since October 7th. I actually gaped at myself in shock in the bathroom mirror immediately after weighing in. Mom brought up the fact that I haven't lost this much since my last real attempt at Weight Watchers back in 2001. Can't argue with that. The circumstances are a bit more authentic now, though. Back then, I was under so much stress that I couldn't help but drop weight. I was too busy and living in too much turmoil to have time to eat and sit around, navel-gazing. How things change . . .